So it's been awhile since I've wrote on my posts, my weight loss journey had a sudden hault when my husband and I started trying to have a baby. It took about 6 months or so before I finally conceived and during that time I struggled with depression, I just wasn't used to getting pregnant taking so long. I was ferttle murttle when when we tried for our other children. Then we decided to wait and have children when we were on the road raising funds to become missionaries. When we finally got settled and the Lord told us to stay here my first thought was nows the time and then when it took so long I got frustrated as most moms probably would, it was only after I lost that baby that I realized how depressed and angry I was. Here we had given our lives for the Lord and the only thing I asked for was a child. Why then would he take Caleb away? I struggled with this for awhile by myself quietly staying away from those who loved me most so that I didn't have to deal with my loss. Till one day my friend sat me down and told me I needed to deal with it because I was losing myself and she was right, it's just harder to deal with it then it is to just ignore it. So I sat in my closet one night and just let the Lord have it, I told him how angry I was at him for taking those years of my life away that I could have been having children and how angry I was that all I asked for was a child and He couldn't deliver. Then I spent the rest of the night asking him to forgive me for my attitude and to forgive me for the things that I had thought and the way that I had acted. Lastly I named my baby, I'm not really sure why naming my baby was such a big step, but it was a huge step in my letting him go. I had something tangible. Something I could remember him by other than that baby.
I finally convinced myself it was time to try again, so my husband and I tried again and conceived. Unfortunately about the same week we found out we were pregnant I had some severe pains in my right ovary. So I went to the Dr. and of course with the baby being so small he couldn't tell me anything. I have the worst veins I think anyone in the hospital as ever seen and to find out the count if the baby was doing better or worse I had to give blood. Unfortunately for me that meant getting poked 4 times before I was sent to the hospital to get it done again because they couldn't get it. So my weekend was filled with worry and prayers for my sweet baby. Monday morning I called the Dr. and asked what it looked like and got the news that it didn't look good. Immediately my mind went back to Caleb and the pain I went through after I lost him and the depression. I went home and locked myself in my closet and begged God not to let me go through that again, I couldn't take going through the depression again. Not only for my body but for my family who counted on me. I went in the next Friday and got the D and C done and went straight to sleep, as my husband and I had gone to the hospital the night before with labor pains and I was exhausted.
I remember lying in bed and thinking I needed to come up with a name for this baby, it seemed like the thing that helped me get past all the pain. I had been listening to the song Wonderful, Merciful savior and asking for God's mercy in this situation and there it was Mercy. I named my sweet baby Mercy Nichole. Not really sure where nichole came from but it's the name the Lord gave me. I'm not sure why God has put me through this pain and I may never know. But I do know this, he brings beauty from my pain. He doesn't just let me stay the way that I am, he chooses to use these things to draw me closer to him and to grow me in ways that I otherwise wouldn't have had I not had to go through this.
If you've gone through a miscarriage you can relate, it seems like such a harsh thing from a God who loves us. But it's because he loves us he chooses to work in us and through us and one day I have the hope of seeing my sweet babies again. Until then I'll keep serving Him and remembering them.
For my sweet babies Naomi Grace, Caleb Andrew and Mercy Nichole mommy loves you with all my heart, wait for me because I will see you again.
I finally convinced myself it was time to try again, so my husband and I tried again and conceived. Unfortunately about the same week we found out we were pregnant I had some severe pains in my right ovary. So I went to the Dr. and of course with the baby being so small he couldn't tell me anything. I have the worst veins I think anyone in the hospital as ever seen and to find out the count if the baby was doing better or worse I had to give blood. Unfortunately for me that meant getting poked 4 times before I was sent to the hospital to get it done again because they couldn't get it. So my weekend was filled with worry and prayers for my sweet baby. Monday morning I called the Dr. and asked what it looked like and got the news that it didn't look good. Immediately my mind went back to Caleb and the pain I went through after I lost him and the depression. I went home and locked myself in my closet and begged God not to let me go through that again, I couldn't take going through the depression again. Not only for my body but for my family who counted on me. I went in the next Friday and got the D and C done and went straight to sleep, as my husband and I had gone to the hospital the night before with labor pains and I was exhausted.
I remember lying in bed and thinking I needed to come up with a name for this baby, it seemed like the thing that helped me get past all the pain. I had been listening to the song Wonderful, Merciful savior and asking for God's mercy in this situation and there it was Mercy. I named my sweet baby Mercy Nichole. Not really sure where nichole came from but it's the name the Lord gave me. I'm not sure why God has put me through this pain and I may never know. But I do know this, he brings beauty from my pain. He doesn't just let me stay the way that I am, he chooses to use these things to draw me closer to him and to grow me in ways that I otherwise wouldn't have had I not had to go through this.
If you've gone through a miscarriage you can relate, it seems like such a harsh thing from a God who loves us. But it's because he loves us he chooses to work in us and through us and one day I have the hope of seeing my sweet babies again. Until then I'll keep serving Him and remembering them.
For my sweet babies Naomi Grace, Caleb Andrew and Mercy Nichole mommy loves you with all my heart, wait for me because I will see you again.
